I HAVE INTERVIEWED WITH YOU, AND YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE
Updated 01/29/09

In 32 years of work, I've had some fairly weird interviews, and this'll be a place to post them as I remember them. If you're looking for my usual glib writings, then you should probably look elsewhere, as this is a big old vent session :-)

GARY AND SHARI: THE WINNING TEAM
Posted 07/14/05

After the dot-com bust, I had about two years of imposed freelancing (Translated - Unemployed) where I scraped by with whatever side gigs I could scrounge up. Since so many designers were now out of work (one posted design job would turn up 450 resumes within days), getting an interview was a major event. This is when I was fortunate enough to secure one with Gary and Shari.

Gary and Shari (not their real names, but close enough) had two Internet businesses that survived, the first an Internet dating service, the second, a place to trade food coupons through the mail. Not a dream job, but a job nonetheless. I got shaved, shined my shoes, put on my best suit, and drove down to their office in Irvine. There, I was met with no one. The door was open, but no one was around. After about fifteen minutes, Gary lumbered in. He was a huge, river-rat type guy, Hawaiian shirt, shorts, flip-flops, and no shave for days. I will note here that he had a horrible hangover, the likes of which I haven't seen since my eighteenth birthday. He sort of mumbled something, then motioned me by hand to a small office.

I started my pitch, showing him the best web & print stuff in my arsenal, when I noticed he was asleep, face in hand. I poked his arm, his eyes opened, he made a perplexed face, and mumbled, "I'll be right back." During the wait, a young designer came in and noted his interview was set for the exact same time as mine, and apologized for being so late.

About five minutes later, Shari arrived, apologized for Gary who 'wasn't feeling well' and said, "Well, what is it you do?" I started my pitch again, until I realized this wasn't her thing and she had no clue what I was talking about. I politely excused myself and told candidate #2 it was his turn. Then I went home, pulled some cold pizza out of the fridge, got a Coke, and watched Regis in my underwear, which is what I would have been doing in the first place.

JESUS'S DESIGN FIRM OF CHOICE
Posted 01/29/09

There's a Christian-based design firm in OC I went to interview with last year. Now, normally I wouldn't have bothered (being a non-believing heretic and all), but they really did some awesome work, and I was itching to get out of the finance place I was slumming at. I saw an ad on Creative Hotlist and set up an interview.

I spoke to the kid who was setting up the appointments, and he said the interview would be off-site at a local university for some reason. I made up a clever excuse at work to prepare for the commute and interview, and was off. When I got there, I realized the kid had sent me to a freakin' job fair, and their recruiter was giving 10 minute blocks of his time to people the entire day. Even though I was pissed off, I really hated the finance place, so I hung around. After 30 minutes of milling about (the recruiter was running late), I finally got to speak to him. He was about 24 years old, wearing mirrored aviator shades, and had that kind of cocky, stupid grin you just want to smack off someone's face. Of course he hadn't looked at my portfolio or resume, had no Internet access to actually see it, but he heard I was good and wanted to set up a 'real' interview the next week. I bit my tongue and set up a time.

My 'real' interview was with the art director, a cosmic child of the 60's type, and who clearly had no business sense or verbal skills to speak of. We couldn't find any points to agree on, so finally she says, "Look, I'd like you back for (yet) another interview, but I need you to take our on-line compatibility test first." Even though this was a Christian place, she handed me some perky New-Age personality assessment book, told me to read all of it, then to take the test (only 60 minutes!) on-line. It was one of those tests where you tell a bunch of personal stuff, then a computer software program decides if you're management material or a serial killer. I took the book, thought better of it, and politely left it with their receptionist on the way out. I wrote possibly the most pissed off email in my life when I got back to work and told them my opinion of them. A week later, I get an email from them looking to set up the 3rd interview, as if I'd never sent the FU note at all. It's true - Christian's really can forgive a heathen like me.

TRUMP'S IDIOT LITTLE BROTHER
Posted 02/20/09

About a year into the dot-com crash, I was still freelancing (AKA unemployed) when I secured an interview with a place in Irvine that did real estate websites. In reality, real estate websites are about as low as you can go for a designer, but it had been a year and all I had were little freelance gigs, so off I went.

There were a bunch of 20 year old kids there, all pretty nice, and kindly I got the, "You're too good to be interviewing here" thing from them. They were about 5 years behind the times, still using Microsoft Front Page (the worst website program EVER), and using borrowed code for pretty much everything, since not a one of them could code on their own.

A day later I get a call from the owner (who I'd met briefly), who was aware that I'd interviewed for their $15 an hour gig (less than half of the going rate at the time.) He starts, "Hello Dennis. You know, I saw your work and I am impressed. I'd like to offer you the job if you'd like it. Whaddya say?" I of course said yes, thinking that I'd stay 6 months to be polite, then start hunting for a real job after things picked back up. Then Trump's brother continues, "You know, I got probably 300 resumes this week. I had no idea it was that bad out there. Listen, I know when you interviewed they told you it was $15 an hour, right? Since it's so bad out there, I'm going to offer you $10. Are you still interested? I said, "You're kidding, right?" and he said, "You're good, but you need a job. I could get some kid right out of design school, so I look at it as if I'm doing you a favor." I paused for about 5 seconds, then replied, "You're a fucking idiot. Pray you don't see me outside of your workplace, you coc..." He hung up during the word 'Cocksucker,' the Cocksucker.

» Back to Long Thoughts