Once, when walking along Hollywood Blvd., I passed an old-school homeless guy, eyes closed, head rolled back, cupping his nether regions and joyously pleasuring himself as people passed. He had a huge smile on his face. Tourists were trying to get their kids not to look, but I noted that he looked happier than anyone I‘d seen in my life. I don’t recommend this for everybody, but he definitely looked like he was onto something.

In the late 70’s, I was waiting for my date at the Rainbow Bar n’ Grill in Hollywood when this cokehead comes over to make conversation. We’re talking, when I make a sniffing sound, and his eyes light up; ”Hey, you got any more coke?”, and I’m like, ”No. Allergies. Sorry, dude.”

Vicki and I once stopped off at a filling station in Big Bear, and were talking to a guy who looked like he came out of the 40's with his craggly face, greased hair and little Gomer cap. We were talking about I can't remember what, but when I replied to something with, "Man, that's the worst", he firmly shook his head and corrected me: "Nope. The worst is waking up next to a gal with no teeth."

When Randy Carr was still with us, I took his Ramones-looking self to see my house being built, and when I walked him through the sales office, he motioned to the perky sales yuppies and said aloud, "What, was there a sale on brown paint?"

We were watching a band called Rough and Ready at the short-lived Cabaret Club in 1977 and Sandy West (drummer of The Runaways) sat on our drummer Sandy's lap for a long period of time. He was beaming with pride, or at least until we saw her make out with three different guys in the next two hours. From what I hear she's now gay, so maybe that was the night she'd gotten men out of her system altogether.

In the 80's, I worked with someone who was a man years before, and now was sort of an odd looking woman. I've been known to pepper my speech with F-bombs, and said something was 'f*****g great!' when we were both waiting at the printer. She let out a light sigh, then proceeded to give me an impassioned speech on etiquette in the work place. Whatever her message, it was completely lost since all I could think about was that a grown man wearing slingbacks and stockings was giving me a lecture on good taste.

Back in Junior High school, the Monsanto ride at Disneyland was our 'Date Gauge'. Being the best make-out ride in the whole park (Dark... Roomy... Free..!), after a weekend date there, Monday at school would always start with, "So, how many times did you go on Monsanto?" One was O.K., three was very good, seven was it. Seven meant you would spend the whole day being admired for your suaveness.

You may have read about The Children of God (70's cult River Phoenix's family belonged to) and their leader Moses David using girls to lead people into the faith through sex. This would be true. When I was 15 and visiting the Cerritos Mall, on the way in I was approached by a striking girl about 20 years old wearing cuffed hot pants, go-go boots, and a loose fitting floral top. She gave me a speech on God wanting people to enjoy themselves and told me she had a van parked somewhere if I'd like to see it, all the while standing right in my space and making my blood pressure go haywire. I of course chickened out, took one of the tracts she was handing out and zipped into the mall. Years later I found out they called this "Flirty Fishing." These people made the Scientologist's seem pedestrian.

When going on a date, it's important to show the woman your pedigree. When the waiter brings bread, stop him with, "Say... Aren't those Parker House Rolls made with rich creamery butter from nearby farms?" Women appreciate a man with culture.

In 5th grade, Bob Yancey and I started our first band in his garage. Bob played guitar on a tennis racquet, and I played drums on different sized plastic cole slaw containers. His younger sister and her friends watched us jam once, and finally after the third time through the Partridge Family's "Doesn't Somebody Want To Be Wanted Like Me", one of them stepped forward, puffed out her little chest and said firmly, "You guys aren't really playing!" We must have totally rocked to pass muster the first two times.

I went through a J-Pop (Japanese pop music) phase in the 80's, and used to drive up to Little Tokyo after grave shift to shop around. Once at a bookstore called Bunka-Do, I was noticing that a popular (seriously cute) teen singer named Yukiko Okada hadn't released a CD in years, even though she was a major star. There was a quiet little woman that ran the place, 80ish, always in a kimono, and who sat sipping her tea slightly hunched over whenever I was there. I asked her, "I noticed Yukiko Okada hasn't put out anything in, like, four years. How come?" She lit up, and her little voice boomed: "Yukiko Okada? She jump off building! Haha!! (leans forward...) She was in love with president of her record company, but he was married and didn't take her seriously... Now he take her seriously! Haha!!"